First off I apologise how terribly written this is, but at this moment in time I feel that my grammar is not important.
As William Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break."
It has been 40 days since my father died, losing his battle with cancer. The cruel part of all this it looked like he would make it, but he knew the night before that he was not long for this world. I can see his face now in the hospital bed looking right through me, his eyes blank full of morphine.
I have taken over my father's business, working with my mother day to day slowly watching that die too, business is slow. Each day is more money going out and with no money coming in.
My relationship with my mother is strained, she does not approve of my relationship with my girlfriend of nearly a year, it is a race thing. So I can't get close to my mother, I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend who is not in a happy place either, she needs more than I can give she wants to move on to do more to have weekends away. So I feel more and more guilty, and when I do express my true troubles, all I do is upset her.

So in all honesty I am truly lost

Greif is fear, it is fear of the future and in forgetting the past.
So I keep telling myself to man up, so far that has not worked.